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Because it's a nice thing to see when it's less than three years later and he's already telling you that the two weeks he's supposed to take the kids in the summer is "too much" because he's "too busy" and reduces it to six days and acts like he's doing you a huge favor.

Travel more

It seems cliche, but when you are allotted only three weeks a year on his whim to actually go anywhere, you'll realize how freaking hard it is to actually get anywhere.

He will always have a huge ego

Try not to choke when he accuses you of wanting him back.

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There are signs he's going to leave

Holy hell. He left two years ago and I just now realized he never let me back up my hard drive to his Time Capsule.

That's cold.

So please note, if he won't share his external hard drive for system-critical back-up needs? He's on his way out. Have a back-up plan.

He will wear stupid hats

Possibly related to the turnaround on the make-up, he will suddenly start wearing stupid hats. By stupid, I mean those awful old-man hats like your grandfather wore that he obviously thinks are trendy in the same bizarre universe that makes him think he's the one who's right. The hats come after the combat boots disappear, so that's your cue to bolt.

Learn to give better blow-jobs

The same man who went batshit insane about the idea of his precious daughter wearing stage make-up for a dance recital will allow that same child to come home wearing lipstick and eyeshadow, courtesy of the woman he cheated on you with.

See also: Tequila is your friend.
the PhD:
My "Christmas Shoes" is that fucking grocery store "drank a toast to innocence…" song… it makes me want to scream
 
you:
agreed. plus, I'm fairly sure Jesus doesn't need to see mama die in hooker shoes
 
the PhD:
does it describe the shoes?? i don't often hear the whole song, as the wife's hand reaches to turn the station usually before the singing starts
 
you:
no, but considering the kid is filthy, talking about Jesus, and is buying his mother SHOES when she's DYING. this is taking place in a Walmart
 
the PhD:
lol
no
it's at an old fashioned "Shoe Store"
like… a cobbler!
 
you:
http://www.walmart.com/ip/Women-s-Beston-Diana/13821756
and he does not say SHOE STORE
 
the PhD:
you just read too much peopleofwalmart.com
 
you:
dude
 
the PhD:
he doesn't SAY it
but he says "MIster"...

you:
name me one place in America you'll find a dirty child buying shoes for his dying mother while talking about Jesus
 
the PhD:
as if there is one kindly old man working behind the counter
news for you honey...
get south of the Mason Dixon line?
and they talk about Jesus EVERYFUCKINGWHERE
 
you:
It's ALL WALMART
I've BEEN THERE
and it's a DIRTY child
with RIPPED CLOTHING
they aren't going to no high-falutin' Tarzhay
 
the PhD
you have clearly though about this way too much
 
you:
yes
my friend hates it even more than I do
and my mother listens to this Xmas shit
non-stop from now til New Years
I've heard that song about 10,000 times
 
the PhD:
maybe that song i hate was in Walmart too…. the Super WalMArt with the grocery store
a few aisles over from the shoes
that reminds me, i haven't looked at peopleofwalmart for a month or so
 
you:
SEE!
Daddy was buying his 40 and a bag of pork rinds
Kid is buying shoes
Mama is home dying of black lung from working in the mines to support the family since drunk dad is on disability
 
the PhD:
meanwhile a couple of pathetic 46 year olds are rekindling some kind of high school fling
and going our and getting shitfaced in some bar
 
you:
SEE
It's probably the guy RIGHT AFTER HE GIVES THE KID THE MONEY FOR THE HOOKER SHOES

Parenting is all about who'll be impressed

He'll be a complete waste of space as a parent until he gets a new girlfriend, then suddenly, he'll be the father of the year. Try to sit back and relax and enjoy the brief respite. After a while, the novelty of having the kids around all the time will get old.

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Take Your Kid to a Concert

It's the best thing in the world. Trust me. At some point, your kid will think you are uncool, so try to do it before said kid hits that point. Do it when they still think you aren't an idiot. You'll get hugs the whole way home and be the most incredible parent ever for a few hours. It's a good feeling, and better than getting high. Trust me. I've done both.

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Mid-Life Crises Suck

He'll email you one day and tell you that everything you are is because of him.

Try not to laugh hysterically. Even when he tells you all the cool music you like was his first. Even the bands that you've discovered since he moved out and he's never heard of. 

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